I sit here as nearly half of May is in the books. The project of truly surrendering my life to God’s infinite wisdom and power is underway. I’ve hit my knees and prayed my surrender prayer when waking up for nearly two weeks straight now. I really try be present and focus on the words as I say them aloud each morning, instead of simply reading aimlessly, which I think is important. I can say no “earth shattering” changes have come of this project yet, at least that I’ve been spiritually awake (tuned in) enough to realize. As I’ve mentioned before, I do think we have many depths to spiritual awareness and the more we tune in via a stronger relationship with God the more we can hear/feel him speaking to and through us. I still fully expect for things to take shape over time as I continue to build on my relationship with Him via this process. I mentioned a sense of peace last week as I reflected just a few days into this journey and now I want to touch on another topic- doubt. I don’t have any. I don’t have any real concern or doubt about where this path takes me, considering I fully realize that my future is out of my control. Sure, I can work to better follow biblical teachings. I can work to be more present and subdue my ego and it’s inevitable attempts at controlling and holding me back. I can do my part to jump in with both feet as I’m called to act on this journey. I can pray for discernment and follow my gut/intuition. I can do many things to do “my part” on this journey, yet what I cannot do is understand, worry or have fears about my future. I have no doubts that He will lead me to a better place than my mixed bag of ingrained reactions, wounds, fears, pride, abilities, intellect or any of my other parts (or sum of- good or bad). Feeling more at peace and having no doubts that He knows best- I guess that’s a pretty good start two weeks into this project!
Have you surrendered any part of your life to Him? Have you given up control and are finding more peace? I pray that we all begin to trust Him more than we trust ourselves, something tells me the world will reflect so much more love if we do.
One focal point I’m finding myself intrigued by is our misguided decision making based on underlying past experiences and therefore “conditioned” responses. I’ve sat in a counselor’s office plenty and realize that many of my perceptions are in-fact shaped from my past. I don’t think that’s news to those who have even the slightest level of psychological awareness. I get it, my emotional reactions stem from a response pattern hardwired since childhood. I find it fascinating that we hold onto the past so much. I cannot explain over the past few years how much life I’ve spent literally reliving previous moments over and over again in my head. I already lived them once, why keep living them? Have you ever stopped to think about what percentage of these moments that you’re “reliving” are the really happy times? I’m guessing 10% at best, at least that’s the case for me. The craziest part is that I’m reliving these past events, but often times find myself still not learning from them. I’m just feeling the miserable pain of mistakes, guilt, hurt or pain over and over again. Perhaps I’m just a gluten for punishment, or perhaps I’m just human. I used to wonder why I do this to myself; why most human beings do? I have developed my own little tagline for a syndrome I feel has infected the majority of the human race, at least from my experience here in the United States. This tagline is something I refer to as “the walking wounded.” You’ll hear me refer to this quite often in my writings as I interact with people and subsequently write about these interactions on my journey.
Here’s a brief example I’ll leave you with. I was walking into the grocery store recently and noticed a gentleman who seemed very perturbed. I was approaching with my eyes intentionally viewing my surroundings so he was hard to miss (one of my being present/awareness tactics you’ll soon realize I’m constantly working on). I noticed the man and his overall demeanor being extremely frustrated. I could only imagine what possibly happened at the checkout counter inside to set him off. I walked past him with a content smile on my face as I heard him mutter to himself “now where’s the fuc*ing car?!” I started thinking about what his life must be like, and also what he’s been through to get him to this place of such negative energy. I do believe we’re all very much a product of our past experiences, parenting styles, overall upbringings, successes, failures and so much more. The question I have is why so many choose to stay in those past experiences? I’ve spent much of my life guilty of this behavior and still have to consciously choose to stay in the moment to avoid what I like to call the “reverse rear-end mind collision.” Analogy- it’s like I decide to throw my car (my mind) in reverse to intentionally hit something behind me (typically a nerve, a negative feeling or just run myself over in general). The way to avoid such an ill-advised mental trafficking maneuver you ask? I have to choose to look in my personal review mirror when it rears its’ ugly head and ask “what can I learn from that situation, or what haven’t I already learned that I’m supposed to?” I figure if past experiences continue to present themselves then perhaps we still have unfinished business. I believe there is a lesson to learn, a person to forgive, or maybe even an opportunity to forgive ourselves. This gentleman helped me tagline “the walking wounded.” Something good came out of that moment for me at least, and I must admit I do hope he found his car.
Many folks that I interact with spend much of their time acting out from past hurts, mistakes, regrets, failures or traumas. This breaks my heart for all of us because our true spirit cannot shine through our past, only the present. I will continue to explore this subject in many future posts. I look forward to explaining my theories a bit deeper about our wounds not only creating impulse reactions and emotions, but also how they affect so much of our major decision making abilities as well. For instance- perhaps you’re in a place in an area of life today because of decisions you made long ago? Perhaps these decisions were made from a brokenness that stemmed from wounds that were never healed? Perhaps if/when healed, your decisions would’ve been different because they stemmed from your true authentic/spiritually connected self? Perhaps….